Bob Schneider Lyrics

A back to lyrics main page

A Better Place
A Fine Collection Of Nothing
A Fine Scabs Christmas
A Little Love
A Million and One Reasons
A Sweet Sound
Acidonia
Alabama
All Fucked Up
All I want for Christmas is my Methadone
Angelina
Angels Never Cry
Angels Saved Me
Astro Girl
Astronaut
Aurrora Abby Anderson

A Better Place

I've got me a world
That I created
I've heard the theories and the facts
As they where stated

It seems so empty
When you almost have it all
There's something missing
As I recall

There's got to be a better place
A better place than this
There's got to be a better place
And yet I still resist

My mind is small
I've known it all
Of this much I am sure
And bullshit man can't understand
How much I can endure

But facts are facts
And this world is wide
There's things I still can learn
If I open up my mind
Leave doubt behind
And leave no stone unturned

There's got to be a better place
A better place than this
There's got to be a reason
A reason that I’ve missed

Some people say that faith will get you by
I know it doesn't cause I've given it a try
I've found answers but every answer is a lie
And only in my darkest dreams does the truth open up my eyes

A Fine Collection of Nothing

Lyrics by Bob Schneider music by Adam temple & Charles Rieser & Bob Schneider

That's a fine collection of nothing
Said the whisper to the wind
And the wind spent the night in nowhere
And blew away again
And that's a fine furry feeling
Flying floating forwards towards freedom

That's a fine collection of nothing
Said the whisper to the breeze
And they languished in the moonlight
And sang their song among the trees
And that's a fine furry feeling
Flying floating forwards towards freedom

That's a fine collection of nothing
Said the whisper to the night
And the world spun through the universe
And sailed away out of sight
And that's a fine furry feeling
Flying floating forwards towards freedom

A Fine Scabs Christmas

Lyrics by Bob Schneider

It was Thursday night in Jerusalem
And it was cloudy and mean
Ole Jesus went out on the town
To get himself some of that turpentine
He went into a bar and said,
“Can I get a shot of that mead”
The bartender not recognizing ole Jesus said,
“There’s something that you’ll need”

Well now ole Jesus got carded on Christmas
It was such a sight
And Santa’s got a boner and he’s fucking my daughter
Ooohhh on Christmas night

It’s a fine Scabs Christmas
Here in purgatory
All the angels have on fake dicks
It’s just that same ole story
We’re going to hell
We’re gonna spend Christmas in hell

All I want for Christmas is for you to stick your finger in my nuts
All I want for Christmas is for you to stick your tongue all over my nuts
And then I might stick my little christmasy finger in your butt

There was a little boy born in a manger
And they called him Jesus Christ
His mother was a virgin but somehow she still had lice
“Now how’d you get those crabs, mother Mary?”
Ole Joseph did inquire
Then Jesus popped out and he said, ”I’m your sire
I am the Son of God
I am the Son of God
I am hungry but I am the Son of God
And so they invented Melba toast
But Jesus got carded on Christmas
I’ve got a scab on my Christmas

A Little Love

A nickel and a dime and a dime make a quarter
You add some h to some o and get some water
Momma and poppa make a son or a daughter
And if you add a little love
It'll make you feel like you oughta

Ooooooooh

Some ice cream and pie'll put a smile in your tummy
3 4's, 4 5's and a straight's a gin rummy
A dead old pharaoh in big gold box' just a mummy
And if you add a little love
It'll make the whole world funny

Ooooooooh

A frog and a princess ain't a princess and a prince
And a pomegranate’s tasty but it ain't no quince
And a puzzle ain't a puzzle if there too many hints
And love ain't love if it makes you wince

Peanut butter and chocolate tastes better than soap
It's time to let go when you run out of rope
Chances are you'll never ever be the pope
But if you add a little love it'll fill up your heart with hope

Oooooooooh

A Million and One Reasons

There was a little old wedding on the planet of the damned
The queen of Siam married the amazing Spiderman
I've got a four thousand dollar photograph to prove it's true
And a million and one reasons for the fucked up things I do

Now there's a million little brain cells dying everyday
Making me that much less accountable for the things I say
I got a stack of Scientific Americans to prove its true
I got a million and one reasons for the fucked up things I do

Now if you invited the whole world to your house tonight
You'd have a real hard time trying to find a place to hide
I got thirty plus years of experience to prove it's true
I got a million and one reasons for the fucked up things I do

There was an itty-bitty bug in an elephant’s ear
Telling him everything that he wanted to hear
And elephants never forget a thing you say its true
I got a million and one reasons for the fucked up things I do

A Sweet Sound

Go ahead and build your castle
Way up so high
That you have to cut yourself
A big hole in the sky
Make it all golden
And shiny and strong
Make it so it'll last forever
And won't ever do you wrong

And it'll make a sweet sound all around
It'll make a sweet sound when it all comes down

You know you'll never be the same
You know it's easy to lay the blame
At the altar of the temple
Of the excuses you've made
Until your smiles as thin as a razorblade

And if you want to know the reason
Why I don't mind
You'll have to come back some other time
All your explanations are made of sand
When you try to reach for the truth
It just slips through your hands

Tend to your garden growing there in the sun
Work your whole life away not having any fun
Cause all the plans you make'll just take you away
From the only time that you've been given today

Construct all your defenses the best way that you can
Until you've got steel skin like superman
Until the walls so high you can see right through
Until the walls so wide that love can't get to you

Acidonia

Lyrics & melody by Bob Schneider, chords by Adam Temple

When I woke up this morning
I didn't know where I was
And I figured it out too late too late too late
There was a screaming carcass
Never said a word
She just flashed her eyes and I was mesmerized
And the strongest man alive
Came up from hell
And he broke the spell
And I realized
I realized

I was in acidonia
I've never felt stonier
I was in acidonia
I've never felt lonelier

Pops and buzzes brandished my brain
I was mangled by the fickle capricious stains
And a faun came up the gangplank and called me by my name
While the Venus of Ohio begged me not to change
And the strangest man alive came down from heaven
And waved goodbye
And I realized
I realized

I was in acidonia
I've never felt stonier
I was in acidonia
I've never felt lonelier

I could feel the shackles at my feet
I felt legless and numb and my fingers felt like cum
And my breath bound by fetters and adorned with festoons
Lie dying in this lagoon
And the luckiest man alive
Gave his life as a gift
It was sweet and swift

I was in acidonia
I've never felt stonier
I was in acidonia
I've never felt lonelier

Alabama

I went to Alabama
I took my honey down
I went to Alabama
I burned it to the ground

All the little roses
And fine watersheds
All the little flowers
In their flowery beds

And the little baby
With another one inside
Got inside my constitution
And would not be denied

Baby you can love me
But throw away your heart
Cause the rain that's gonna fall there
Go'n wreck your applecart

I went to Alabama
And every honeybee
That swam around my petals
Tended to agree

And buried in the garden
In that candy dress
The fruit of all my labors
Lies waiting I confess

I went to Alabama
And took my honey down
And with my bloody fingers
I burned her to the ground

All Fucked Up

Well my baby done left me but I keep on truckin
Yeah my baby done left me but I keep on truckin
My baby done left me but I keep on truckin
My baby done left me but I keep on truckin
One of these days I’m gonna find good lovin
Cause I’m all fucked up but you did all the fuckin

Well there's a big ole pile of shit called love I got stuck in
There's a big ole pile of shit called love I got stuck in
Well there's a big ole pile of shit called love I got stuck in
There's a big ole pile of shit called love I got stuck in
One of these days I’m gonna find good lovin
Cause I’m all fucked up but you did all the fuckin

Well when that demon semen's steamin well you keep a chugaluggin
When that demon semen's steamin well you keep a chugaluggin
When that demon semen's steamin well you keep a chugaluggin when that demon semen's steamin well you keep a chugaluggin
One of these days I’m gonna find good lovin
Cause I’m all fucked up but you did all the fuckin

All I really need is some good huggin lovin
All I really need is some good huggin lovin
All I really need is some good huggin lovin
All I really need is some good huggin lovin
My baby done left me but I keep on truckin
I'm all fucked up but you did all the fuckin

I'm all fucked up
I'm all fucked up
I'm all fucked up
I'm all fucked up
I'm all fucked up
But you did all the fuckin

All I Want for Christmas is My Methadone

All I want for Christmas is my methadone
All I want for Christmas is to be left alone
All I want for Christmas is a free ride home
All I want for Christmas is heart to turn to stone
All I want for Christmas is my methadone

All I want for Christmas is a brand new car
All I want for Christmas is to be your only star
All I want for Christmas is to find out exactly who I are
All I want for Christmas is a brand new car

All I want for Christmas is a brand new start
All I want for Christmas is to unbreak my heart
All I want for Christmas is to not completely fall apart
All I want for Christmas is a brand new start

All I want for Christmas is my baby back
All I want for Christmas is a money stack
All I want for Christmas is a great big Cadillac
All I want for Christmas is my baby back

All I want for Christmas is a pound of weed
All I want for Christmas is for you to fulfill my every need
All I want for Christmas is to get so high my nose will bleed
All I want for Christmas is a pound of weed

All I want for Christmas is a brand new life
All I want for Christmas is to fuck your lovely wife
All I want for Christmas is someplace safe to hide the knife
All I want for Christmas is a brand new life

All I want for Christmas is a second chance
All I want for Christmas is a dryer set of pants
All I want for Christmas is less incriminating evidence
All I want for Christmas is a second chance

All I want for Christmas is a Subaru
All I want for Christmas is a squeeze from you
All I want for Christmas is a single fucking clue
All I want for Christmas is a Subaru

All I want for Christmas is oblivion
All I want for Christmas is a brand new skin
All I want for Christmas is to get out of all the shit I’m in
All I want for Christmas is oblivion

Angelina

Eating sunlight streams riding on the back of dreams with Angelina
Drinking blue sky wine riding on a dandelion with Angelina
But there's a note on the door saying I’ll see you never more love, Angelina

Making love to the breeze, playing hide and seek with trees and Angelina
Gonna drown in your direction gonna pass every inspection Angelina
But there's a note on the door that says I’ll see you never more love, Angelina

I want to scuba in your tuba I wanna fly down to Aruba, Angelina
I want to scream into your lightpost and paint up all your bright toes, Angelina
But there's a note on the door that says I’ll see you never more, love, Angelina

With your spells and cobble bells
Your magical legerdemain
Your butterflies and wishing wells
You come and sweep away all the rain

And when I’m down on the ground you know you'll always come around Angelina
When I’ [m singing in the sun when I’m coming all undone Angelina
There's a note on the door that says I’ll see you never more, love, Angelina

Angels Never Cry

Angels never cry
They know the score
They're always high

And love
Never dies
It's pure and sweet
It's April skies

Angels never cry
They fly away
And line the sky

And love
Is everything
And nothing's real
The angels sing

I guess there used to be a time when I knew
The things that did and didn't really matter
But that was an awfully long time ago
Things they couldn't go on without a change
I knew the pain couldn't last forever
There had to be a better way to go

But then angels saved me
And sheltered me from harm
And angels gave me
A way to find some strength and peace of mind
To find my way back home

I guess I thought I knew it all a little better
Than I really did & guess I still do
Things you take for granted sometimes have a way of
Turning round and coming right back after you
Things they couldn't go on without a change
I knew the pain couldn't last forever
There had to be a better way to go

But then angels saved me
And sheltered me from harm
And angels gave me
A way to find some strength and peace of mind
To find my way back home

Astro Girl

Lyrics by Bob Schneider

She wears a black avenger jumpsuit
Some cute coconut cut pump boots
She’s dangling brothers from her fingers
She’s astro girl

She can jump over the world
She can break your mind in two
She’ll give you the finger
That’s what she’ll do

She’s astrogirl
Space cadet queen
Astrogirl
She’s warm milk and afrosheen
Astrogirl
Space cadet queen

She’s a hot tomato
She’ll eat your potato
She ain’t no Plato
But she’s sure fun on a date though

She’s astrogirl
Space cadet queen
Astrogirl
She’s warm milk and afrosheen
Astrogirl
Space cadet queen

She’s stronger than your mom
Just take her to the prom
She’s got a butt like a bomb
Boom!
She’s quick on her back
She’s sharp as a shop vac
She’s a tasty little snack jack
She’ll put you on the road mack daddy
She ain’t no fatty
She’s sweeter than a caddy
And her hair’s never ratty

She’s astrogirl
Space cadet queen
Astrogirl
She’s warm milk and afrosheen
Astrogirl
Space cadet queen

Astronaut

I am an astronaut falling through the night
I am an astronaut lost beyond your sight
I am an astronaut letting go and holding tight
I am an astronaut just don't ask me why

You are the sun and I’m falling towards you
You are the sun and you're coming into view
You are the sun and every word I say is true
You are the sun and you melt me yes you do

I am an astronaut lost without a ship
I am an astronaut and I can't escape your grip
I am an astronaut and I can feel it start to slip
I am an astronaut and I am falling as I trip

You are the sun and I know you are the one
You are the sun and this story's just begun
You are the sun and you cannot be outrun
You are the sun and I’m having so much fun

I am an astronaut and it's out of my control
I am an astronaut and you play the starring role
I am an astronaut and your swallowing me whole
I am an astronaut and I’m only rock-n-roll

And you are the sun and much too strong to fight
You are the sun and everything's alright
You are the sun and you've wet my appetite
You are the sun and I’m blinded by the light

Aurora Abby Anderson

By Bob Schneider

Aurora Abby Anderson
Is slipping through the cracks again
Her hopes and dreams they came and went
She didn't even make a dent
The succulence they represent
Is fine and fresh and evident
So prosecute the president
Condone the lost experiment
Confine the sweet tragedienne
Aurora Abby Anderson

She's wading in the drowning pool
Surrounded by the miniscule
She'll slip the crown on April’s fool
And skins the snake in Sunday school
Cantankerous and supercool
Her guttbucket is fool of drool
Set fire to all of Istanbul
Let all the twisted wreckage rule

Aurora Abby Anderson
Is winding round her mind again
She['s lost the battle won the war
She stuck inside forevermore
Where everyone is such a bore
Her ginger gown kisses the floor
And fans the flames with lion roars
The tortured queen of mind made wars
The duchess of mad metaphors

return to the front page